Little high, Little low

You know when you get the random motivation to just work, or dress up and take bomb photos or to just clean your room? I got that last week, so I went and told my mom that I would write three articles by the end of the day and publish them. I had to say it (the unrealistic goal) out loud to actually do it.

For two days I didn’t touch my laptop and after that, I only did so to binge-watch my favorite series. Yesterday, I wrote the title and my mind went completely blank so I closed the tab. If you think I’m getting to a specific point or a useful realization I got from that, you’re wrong. I didn’t learn anything but at least today I’m writing.

For this specific article however, I’m using a different approach. To set the mood, I’m listening to Frank Ocean and Olivia Rodrigo. For content, I am relying on my scary, intrusive thoughts, conversations with my girl Salma and the fact that I am actually responsible for my life.

Well, from my misery, I have come to find that nothing prepares you for the shit show that is growing up. We’re stuck in a cycle of wanting and expecting and needing, expecting some more and trying even harder. You change before your own eyes and grieve past versions of yourself while not knowing how to process big emotions.

Looking at things for what they simply are is harder than it should be, letting go is perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching things to do, and in order to wing it, you have to fight your very human nature and constantly not allow your emotions to get the best of you.. And you ought to know when to take things personally and when to see the reasoning behind petty sentiments.

Look, I’m not complaining, I know life is not a bed full of roses. All I’m saying is there is a burden that comes with clarity. Realizing you may have fewer happy endings than Game of Thrones characters. That everyone around you is awfully different. That you may be a bad friend. That your best may not be good enough. That you have to live with your choices and take an honest look at the role you play in your own suffering.

At some point, we all feel this way. A lot doesn’t make sense and we subconsciously let the killjoy that is comparison creep in. We’re victims of stagnant energy, low vibrations to the spirit and the voices in our heads, and we wouldn’t dare talk about it because some things cannot be put into words, only felt.. and felt to the core of our being.

“There is a quiet subtlety about keeping some things personal. Not everyone will understand, and that’s fine, but it is important to have a bit of yourself that just stays inside.” ~Debbie Lynn

Nonetheless, I believe better days exist. Express yourself on your own terms. Go a little crazy, we’ll get there when we get there.