You know when you get the random motivation to just work, or dress up and take bomb photos or to just clean your room? I got that last week, so I went and told my mom that I would write three articles by the end of the day and publish them. I had to say it (the unrealistic goal) out loud to actually do it.

For two days I didn’t touch my laptop and after that, I only did so to binge-watch my favorite series. Yesterday, I wrote the title and my mind went completely blank so I closed the tab. If you think I’m getting to a specific point or a useful realization I got from that, you’re wrong. I didn’t learn anything but at least today I’m writing.

For this specific article however, I’m using a different approach. To set the mood, I’m listening to Frank Ocean and Olivia Rodrigo. For content, I am relying on my scary, intrusive thoughts, conversations with my girl Salma and the fact that I am actually responsible for my life.

Well, from my misery, I have come to find that nothing prepares you for the shit show that is growing up. We’re stuck in a cycle of wanting and expecting and needing, expecting some more and trying even harder. You change before your own eyes and grieve past versions of yourself while not knowing how to process big emotions.

Looking at things for what they simply are is harder than it should be, letting go is perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching things to do, and in order to wing it, you have to fight your very human nature and constantly not allow your emotions to get the best of you.. And you ought to know when to take things personally and when to see the reasoning behind petty sentiments.

Look, I’m not complaining, I know life is not a bed full of roses. All I’m saying is there is a burden that comes with clarity. Realizing you may have fewer happy endings than Game of Thrones characters. That everyone around you is awfully different. That you may be a bad friend. That your best may not be good enough. That you have to live with your choices and take an honest look at the role you play in your own suffering.

At some point, we all feel this way. A lot doesn’t make sense and we subconsciously let the killjoy that is comparison creep in. We’re victims of stagnant energy, low vibrations to the spirit and the voices in our heads, and we wouldn’t dare talk about it because some things cannot be put into words, only felt.. and felt to the core of our being.

“There is a quiet subtlety about keeping some things personal. Not everyone will understand, and that’s fine, but it is important to have a bit of yourself that just stays inside.” ~Debbie Lynn

Nonetheless, I believe better days exist. Express yourself on your own terms. Go a little crazy, we’ll get there when we get there.

Once again, I found myself between a rock and a hard place. If I could go back to ten hours ago when I met Jack, I could’ve definitely done a couple of things differently.

I was living my best life and minding my business at Moe’s Bistro waiting for my Chicken Alfredo when four annoyingly loud boys walked in. “Vee! I knew that was your forehead!” Shoot. That was Jim, my friend from driving school. We had grown pretty close over the past year and were practically inseparable until he moved abroad. I went over to hug him and wave to his friends when one of them caught my attention. I know this guy, I mean how could I forget him. His dark hypnotic eyes were like none that I’ve ever seen. I knew him from October Fest. His squad and mine shared a ride home and I couldn’t forget because not only did I sit next to him, but it was also the first time we took an Uber select.

Judging from how they made themselves comfortable, I knew that they wouldn’t leave anytime soon and there was no way I was going to join them. I needed to have my order packed to go and leave ASAP. I would also have the chance to check him out subtly after texting my girl Tina the tea. “I remember you.” I heard his slightly hoarse voice behind my ear. Shoot! he had followed me to the counter and my first instinct was to check if the others were watching. “Really? I don’t think we’ve met” I said when I saw they were oblivious of us. “Yeah right. Give me your number.” “My number? Why?” I asked knowing full well that I would give it to him regardless. I wasn’t in the habit of giving strange men my number, but exceptions were made when they were that fine.

I dictated my number and had him call me to make sure he didn’t ghost me. Poor girl. I should have just ran. I got my food and went to bid Jim good-bye. He wouldn’t let me leave without a fight so I promised to call him later to make plans to hang out the next weekend. Jack was still standing outside when I left and offered to walk me to the bus stop. That was when it all began. “Are you always this quiet” His phone rang before I could answer that vague question. It was Jim asking where he was. He said he was with me and would be back in a minute. My stop was across the street so I told him I had to go but would text him later. He declined and offered to take me all the way across. I obliged, secretly hoping someone who knew me would spot me walking with the perfect ten that was beside me, who was now holding my hand while we crossed the busy street.

“You’ve got really big hands.” I said as I held on firmly pretending to be scared of the reckless bike guys. “Big enough to hold you down?” He said cunningly and I swallowed dryly. I didn’t see that coming. His phone kept vibrating in his pocket but he ignored it three times before finally picking up. “Wait here. I need to take care of something.” I waited for ten minutes before I got pissed. A little bit worried but mostly pissed. I couldn’t wait any longer so I boarded the bus and went home.

I had had this recollection for five more minutes before deciding to go home. I wasn’t going to miss curfew and piss off my mum because of this guy. Whatever he had to say could wait until I got over what he did. But still, how come he’s with Tina? I have to find out. I asked the Uber driver to take me back to the mall and offered to pay double.

The guards were closing up when I got there. The parking lot was almost empty but there he was! I saw Jack leaning on a parked car. He was scrolling through his phone and didn’t see me coming which meant he didn’t anticipate the well calculated slap that I served him as soon as he looked up. “Are you mad?!” No, but are YOU mad?! You had me waiting for you in the middle of town, disappeared on your friends, had them blame me and switched your phone off on me, what was the reason!!” I yelled in my Cardi B voice.

“Vee!” That was Tina. I looked back at her because I had questions for her too but the sight that met me left me shocked to the bone. My jaw dropped and I really hoped that my eyes were playing tricks on me because why the hell was Tina standing next to Jack, in the same outfit he was wearing when we met? “You have got to be kidding me.” I said, confused as hell.” I looked back at the person I had slapped, knowing what had just happened and read his lips as he shook his head whispering the words It wasn’t me.

I sat there, eyes fixed on the wall scared as hell wondering how I got here in the first place. It had been four hours since he disappeared and everyone seemed to believe I was responsible. After a lot of thinking, I decided I couldn’t just sit there and sulk. I had to fix this, I had to make this go away so I solved it how I knew best. I took a nap.

My phone rang repeatedly and I wondered how I forgot to switch it off. The last thing I needed was his friends pestering me about his whereabouts. I was just so grateful they didn’t know where I lived. I was taken aback when I saw the calls were from him. Twelve missed calls and a text that read ” Sarit. 8pm.” The utter sheer nerve! Did he really think I would meet him after the stunt he pulled? And with curfew at 10pm?

I knew his audacity was at an all time high but he surely must have lost his damn mind. Anyway so had I because I jumped into the shower and was on my way after thirty minutes of getting ready. It was 6:45pm when I left so that meant that even if I got stuck in Waiyaki Way traffic, I would still have enough time to get there, get lost inside the mall for about twenty minutes and still meet him at exactly 8:00 pm.

It was like the tout knew I was in a hurry because I kid you not, they stopped at every stage, waited for passengers that were fifty meters away to board, stopped for a gas fill, went to buy bananas, ate them down there and I was like I’m really paying a hundred bob for this? It was now 7:30 pm and we were fast approaching Westlands. When I got there I took a bike to the mall and texted him to find out his location.

Two minutes later, he still hadn’t replied and since I couldn’t figure out whether he had seen the text I called. Yes, you guessed right, his phone was off. Out of disbelief I called again. And again. And Again. Honestly, what did I expect coming here? That he would have a grown up conversation with me and explain why he did what he did? I was crazy for thinking that and ended up being ghosted twice in a span of less than twenty four hours.

Angry, hurt and tired as I was, I decided to take an Uber back home hoping I would beat curfew. I got cozy on the back seat and tried to fight back my tears from falling when I thought about what had just happened. As if I wasn’t already going through enough, Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart started playing on the radio. Great!

My phone rang, it was my girl Tina. I was really glad she called because boy did I need to vent. “Hey I’m really sorry but I got mugged, where are you?” It was him. Why was he using Tina’s phone? How much does Tina know? Hell, where are they? “Hello? Are you there?” I got lost in my thoughts and forgot to answer. I told him that I was on my way home and didn’t care about what he had to say. I was done with him and told him as much. I hung up and switched off my phone.

What if he was really mugged though? Am I judging him too harshly? I mean, I always do that. I should at least hear what he has to say. If it’s no good then I’ll be done for real. Besides, he sounded really sorry. I thought to myself. I looked at my watch, it was 9:10pm, fifty minutes before curfew…

This one’s for you if you feel like you’ve had to kill so many versions of yourself in order to become who you are, but you’re still not sure of which other versions need a funeral..

I have come to find that to kill some of these parts, a lot has to be unlearned. For you to shed some old skin you’ve got to be willing to put in the work because showing vulnerability, operating with integrity and growing emotionally are concepts that are usually easier said than done.

You’ve got to unlearn shame and guilt for the ways in which you’ve let yourself down, and for the parts that may still feel heavy, forgive yourself. Growing means understanding that you could be the problem and that people are allowed to hold you accountable. The world doesn’t revolve around one person and when you find yourself thinking it does, maybe there’s a conflict within you that needs to be addressed.

Growth however, isn’t linear. Sometimes you’re the hypocrite. Sometimes you’re unable to approach things with honesty. sometimes you’re completely wrong and other times you fail. You don’t fail because there’s a deeper meaning or reason to it, failure is just failure sometimes.

Your canvas is fresh everyday, whether you’re going to paint a romanticized image of a perfect superhuman, living for everyone else or an image of a perfectly human you, going hard for yourself, learning, growing endlessly and shamelessly and allowing everyone around you to do the same is your prerogative…but I would hate to be the former.

“And if my growth makes you uncomfortable, I’m glad that it does. My growth is not meant to make you comfortable. I have had uncomfortable days shedding old skin and many moments planting my roots in different spaces. I am allowed to grow and not have to explain why I outgrew you” ~Billy Chapata

When I joined campus, I had every intention to live my best life because you know, rule number one, you gotta have fun!

Luckily for me, my experience was better than I ever imagined. I never thought I’d do half the things I did in a span of four years and it all started when I met three girls who would later change my life forever. I can’t really talk about my uni days without mentioning these girls cause boy have we been through it all.

I don’t mean to exaggerate but even though all we did was the usual campus kids shenanigans, when it happened to us something bat-shit crazy always went down. You know, from the late night adventures, getting arrested in town because someone didn’t do her research on city park, house parties we hate to talk about because what happens in Rongai stays in Rongai, skipping classes to go on dates because we were once more in love than Ciara’s baby daddy, having the time of our lives at concerts we swore we would never go to and oh, how could I forget our Memphis escapades! 😂

Apart from getting an education, we lived our wildest days and had many firsts together, but it was with the same energy that we grew and leveled up. Each one of us. I for one learnt from them things I wouldn’t have learnt any other way. I watched Wambo fight and achieve her goals all so resiliently. She made her way to the top in a male dominated field. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look up to her because I’ve never met someone more passionate.

Joyce taught me self awareness and preservation. She taught me how to speak my mind and to do so unapologetically. It scares me how calm she is in situations where I’d be throwing hands. And Olivia? So gifted and selfless. She stands with us when we’re not tall enough, and she will love you into loving yourself. She taught me that nobody is above me and helped me become the best I could be.

Basically, I went looking for copper and found gold!😂😂 Four years later, so many lessons learnt, met the most amazing people, made mistakes of my own and came out a better person, survived law school, lived the life and got hella amazing besties. What more could a girl ask for?

My good friend, Red Wine, as she’d prefer to be called, was having one of those days last month. You know, the days when your heart is so broken that you go incognito to search how to forget someone, how to stop the tears from falling, but still end up crying in a matatu from Juja to town, and you almost even call your strict mom to vent.

Obviously I couldn’t think of the right thing to tell her in that moment so I went for the old but reliable “he didn’t deserve you” phrase. In order not to fail all womanhood, I had to throw in the “men are trash” one too. Proud of how I had “handled” the situation I called my other girlfriends to come cheer her up a little.

A few weeks later, I met her and we laughed about the incident. She told me how hard we are on ourselves though, by saying things like ” mi siwezi clown, kwani sijiheshimu, you’re better than this, you need to boss up, cry for three minutes maximum and do other things.

It sounds like good advice, and yes, there’s always better things to do especially in our 20s. The thing is, you could be the smartest, kindest, prettiest person out there, and that still wouldn’t mean that your stuff won’t be messed up. No one ever gets into anything hoping for a bad ending. Having your guard up and always being in constant fear of what or when something could go wrong only kills your joy.

Nothing is perfect, and when this becomes a reality, I hope you have the courage to handle it like a human being. Cry your eyes out honey, as long as you need to, until you’re okay. Sing those sad songs, be sad, feel and process your pain. Sometimes weakness Is a sign of strength. Accept your situation if you’re to move past it. It’s gangster. It’s okay. It’s human.

In the same energy, do not wallow in self pity. Get out of your own way and claim your happiness. Rejection does not mean you suck. Chase the things you think you don’t deserve. The universe might surprise you, you know why? Because you’re only as good as you think you are.

I’ve heard a number of people talk about “when writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”. Sometimes I hate how easy that sounds because we’re living in a world where people will let you hold the pen, but dictate the words you’re writing.

Your story then becomes the world’s. For some, it’s too raw or too much and for other’s it’s a cliche or stupid. Another category of people will be hell-bent on misunderstanding every word, others will love and be inspired by it. Still, I can’t help but wonder, why do they matter?!

I wish that at some point, we all have the heart to say to hell..and truly own our stories. To take charge, lick our wounds, silence every other voice and just write. To write not with the aim of being understood but to use our own lingo and write as many chapters, add as many experiences as we want and to embrace the characters as they come and go.

It won’t always be moonlight and roses though, because some parts are hard to write and words may fail to describe certain things. A few chapters may get ugly and lonely but a couple are bound to be euphoric and could bring with them twists that will take you to seventh heaven.

It’s a crazy world we live in and some things are easier said than done, but I wish for everyone a story that’s beautiful in it’s authenticity. One that doesn’t shame one’s acts of human nature. A story of strength and more strength. One that isn’t perfect but captures all your brilliance, beauty, glory and greatness.

Allow everyone to write theirs and keep adding to your own; erasing, tearing out a few pages and starting over as much as you’d like..And when the ink runs out, we will all have with us stories we’ll be proud to read.

One of the greatest comedies of this life is that a person thinks that he is doing a very important job while doing unimportant work! ~Mehmet Murat Ildan

***

I have everything figured out in my head. I know how I want my life to be like five years from now. Do I work towards making it a reality? I do. At least that’s what I think. If at all I don’t realize everything I’ve visualized, I’m going to be at a loss. Four years, ago I knew for sure that I would end up in UoN studying Journalism. I knew the type of phone I’d have, what I’d be wearing, the company I’d keep and all the “good things” that would have my name on them. If you know me now, let’s just laugh because we know how that went.

Am I at a loss today? Hell yeah. Everything I obsessed about was not in my control yet I behaved like I had already seen my future. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we manifest our dreams into existence. What I’m trying to say is I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around me back then. I didn’t slow down to take in all the changes that came my way to live a day at a time and appreciate everything I didn’t bother to realize I had, everything that mattered.

I know I’m not alone on this, but that’s how my life has always been. There’s always something to do, to buy, to achieve, to win and I bet that’s how it’s always going to be. Why our lives revolve around these things is a concept I can’t fathom. What I do know is that more often than not, our idea of fulfilment or happiness is misguided. We miss out on life and the things that are truly important chasing vanity.

What do I think is truly important? Realizing that there are forces greater than oneself, accepting that we are really never in control, finding the person you are without your job or your possessions and having a relationship with God. In the words of Richie Norton, the truly important things are those that make you happier if you share them than if you keep them to yourself.

We are all enslaved by our dreams, bound by the fear of the unknown, fear of failure, rejection and loss. The only thing that’s certain is right now. Embrace it. So this is a reminder, yours and mine, to JUST SLOW DOWN!

Closure has been defined to mean gaining a sense of resolution,whether mental, physical or spiritual. The need for closure doesn’t just apply to relationships since letting go of something that was once important can be difficult; Loss of a loved one, a job, basically any painful ending you can think of.

My focus today is however on people who can’t give you closure (Either they can’t or won’t) I understand that when people seek closure, they are looking for answers as to the cause of a certain loss in order to resolve the painful feelings it has created. Consequently, it is achieved when the mental puzzle one creates in their mind during the process has been assembled.

I think that closure is a very complicated process but I also acknowledge that every person’s need for it is different and varies according to the situation..but if actions speak louder than words why do we literally(for lack of a better word) beg someone to explain their actions to us using words so we can “find peace” and move on?

Is there a way of really knowing that they are being honest or that they aren’t telling you what you want to hear so you can let them be? I mean, isn’t that trying to get them to care and possibly make ammends? Even though I’ve once been here, so desperately looking for answers, I think it’s important that we realize we are incharge of obtaining closure by ourselves. It doesn’t have to always come from another person.

A good starting point is taking responsibility for your own actions and interpreting those of others as best as you can. You also have to accept that you may never have the perfect answer. So when closure can’t be achieved we have no choice but to live with the ambiguity. Life has to move on.

I am many things. I have been many things, but I never realized how much I get my identity from being just the other girl. Put me next to a celebrity and I’m just another fan. Next to my friends, I’m just Val, another one of their friends. Next to my small sister, I’m an idol but so is everyone else with a small sister or anyone who looks up to them. Now if you put me anywhere in the world I’m gonna be just another girl.

So tell me why I still feel that somehow, the world owes me something. That I am especially victimized in ways other people could never imagine. I feel that things should be different for me, that I deserve, you know, better. I can’t help but feel like I should be the exception and my problems should have some unique math to them that doesn’t obey the laws of the physical universe. Entitled, right?

Maybe I’m the only one but for a great part of my life, I have shown the world what it loves to see. Insecurity. Vulnerability. Weakness. And that is why I used to feel like a joke. Subconsciously, I would compare my life with other people’s and think I’m not doing enough, that my dreams might remain just dreams. I put so much unnecessary pressure on myself oblivious of the fact that I was doing really great at that time and forgetting how much I had achieved.

See it’s okay to be ambitious and you owe it to yourself to become everything you’ve ever dreamed of, but don’t kill yourself trying. I bet you’re wondering how do you know when to stop or where to draw the line.. It’s simple..When you know the difference between the goal of your life and what’s the point of your life. I can’t decide that for you but a tweet from Wayne helped me figure out mine..”Life is an adventure, not a commute. The point of a commute is the end, which means the faster you get to it, the greater the success. An adventure differs because the point of the adventure is the adventure itself.”

Inasmuch as we’d love to be special or somehow different, choose to measure yourself not as some horrible victim or dismal failure. Instead measure yourself by more mundane identities; a student, a partner, a friend, a creator. The narrower and rarer the identity you choose for yourself, the more everything will seem to threaten you. That means giving up those grand ideas about yourself; that you’re uniquely intelligent or spectacularly talented or intimidatingly attractive. Don’t be special. From the way the world works, we’ll only hurt ourselves thinking it owes us a thing.

So now you know me. I’m just another girl, doing what she loves, at peace with who she is, excited about who she could become and in love with her entire being. And you? Who are you?